Forgiving When It Still Hurts

You thought you had moved on. Then their name lit up your phone, or someone mentioned them at a family gathering, and in a second your chest tightened as if it had happened yesterday.

Maybe it was a parent's harsh words that still echo. A friend who shared what you told them in confidence. A sibling who never paid back the loan, or never apologized for the thing everyone in the family pretends didn't happen. You know you are supposed to forgive. You may have even tried. But the hurt keeps coming back, and you wonder whether you've really forgiven at all.

Paul wrote to the believers in Colossae about how people who belong to Christ live together. He tells them to clothe themselves in "a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance." Then he gets specific: "bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if any man has a complaint against any; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do."

Notice that Paul doesn't pretend the complaint isn't real. He assumes that people in the same church, the same family, the same household, will genuinely wrong one another. Forgiveness is not calling a wrong nothing. You can only forgive something that actually hurt.

Notice, too, where the strength to forgive comes from: "even as Christ forgave you." Paul isn't telling them to be nice and get over it. He is pointing to the cross. We forgive as people who have been forgiven much, not because the other person has earned it, but because we never earned it either.

It helps to know what forgiveness is not. It isn't the same as trusting someone again right away; trust is rebuilt over time, if it can be rebuilt at all. It isn't pretending you're fine. And it never requires you to stay where you are being harmed. If someone is hurting you, seeking safety and help is not a failure to forgive. Scripture is honest about this: "If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men" (Romans 12:18). Peace isn't always possible, and it doesn't all depend on you.

Often forgiveness is less a single moment than a direction you keep choosing. When Peter asked how many times he should forgive, Jesus answered, "until seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22). That isn't a quota to count down. But it does mean that if the same hurt comes flooding back tomorrow and you have to forgive it again, you aren't failing. You're practicing.

So if your feelings haven't caught up yet, be gentle with yourself. Forgiveness can begin as a quiet decision to let go of getting even, long before it feels like peace. Keep handing the hurt to God as often as it returns. He is patient with the process, and He is the one who heals.